How many times have you threatened your kids with a consequence, only to not actually enforce it? Learn how to avoid empty threats for better behavior.
“If you don’t stop, we’re not going to the park!” I hollered at my kids. They had been fighting over a toy, for what seemed like the tenth time that day.
But instead of instant submission—or even a pause—they refused to listen. The threat of not going outside to play wasn’t enough to get them to stop fighting.
Sure, they may have been too involved to fully grasp the threat, or maybe not going to the park wasn’t enough of a motivation to stop.
But the more likely reason they didn’t listen? I was the parent who cried wolf.
How to avoid empty threats
We’ve all made bold claims we don’t enforce, from throwing unkempt toys away to cancelling a trip to Disneyland.
At first, this seems to “work.” Their ears perk up when they hear pretty intense consequences they don’t want to happen.
But not only are we usually spouting off these empty threats when we’re upset, we’re relying on fear-based parenting to get kids to listen. Plus, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the threats eventually wear off, especially as kids call our bluff and realize we don’t mean our word.
And perhaps that’s the biggest downside to empty threats: the more we don’t follow through, the less self-integrity we have. Kids need to feel reassured that we adults will stick by what we say, but empty threats, well… threaten that important bond.
Still… there is a way to get kids to behave, all without blasting empty threats. Our kids may not always be “model children,” but they’ll listen when you apply these methods instead:
1. Explain why the behavior isn’t acceptable
Let’s say your child refuses to go to bed. You might be tempted to claim, “If you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to take away all your stuffed animals!”
Instead of these empty threats, what if you simply explained why going to bed is important. That fighting sleep keeps him from feeling well-rested, or that he’ll have a good day tomorrow, or even that his mind and body need to recharge.
Giving him a reason makes him more likely to listen because it removes the power struggles between the two of you. The reason itself warrants a logic to comply, instead of you just telling him what to do because you’re the adult.
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2. Redirect to an appropriate activity
“Watch this!” my son exclaimed, as he spun around a few inches away from his little brother. I tried to hide the fear on my face that he was about to knock over his brother.
“Spin over here,” I told him, pointing to an area in the living room with nobody nearby for him to trip over and hit.
Instead of threatening with a consequence, redirect him to an appropriate activity that honors his impulse. You don’t even have to tell him to stop what he’s doing when you guide him to a more appropriate way to do so.
Telling my son to stop spinning makes the action—spinning—seem wrong. It isn’t, just as jumping or yelling or rough housing aren’t. These actions just need appropriate situations, and spinning near his brother isn’t one of them.
Read more about redirecting children’s behavior.
3. Give natural consequences
Allow the natural consequences of your child’s behavior to “teach” the lesson, more so than bold claims that don’t even relate.
Let’s say she continues to sprinkle play dough bits all over the carpet, despite your asking her not to do so. You might think taking away her favorite stuffed animal will do the trick, but it has nothing to do with her sprinkling play dough bits.
Instead, take away—you guessed it—her play dough, even just for the next hour. You might say, “It looks like you’re not being responsible with the play dough right now. I’m going to put it away until later when you know how to better play with it.”
Similarly, you can have her clean the play dough bits herself before she can move onto the next activity. You can say, “You really enjoy sprinkling play dough bits, but it’s getting messy. If you continue to doing that, you’ll need to clean up your mess before we have a snack.”
The consequence—not having play dough or having to clean it up—is a natural result of the choices she’s making.
Learn more about natural consequences for kids.
4. Follow through with consequences
Perhaps the biggest reason empty threats stop working? We stopped (or never started) following through with the consequences.
Not going to Disneyland can get your kids to stop fighting, but they’ll hear you say the same types of threats without actually enforcing them. In other words, they stop taking us seriously.
Beyond getting kids to listen, following through sends the message that we mean our word. They need to know that they can rely on us and the promises we make. That we will always pick them up from school, play with them when we say we will, and yes, enforce the consequences we claim.
Keep your word, no matter how inconvenient leaving the grocery, confiscating a toy, or cancelling plans to the park may be.
Read more about why you need to follow through with consequences.
5. Stick to doable consequences
We’re tempted to paint these grand consequences hoping they’ll convince our kids to behave. It may have even worked a few times in the beginning. But after a while, they’ll catch on and won’t take us seriously.
Telling your child you’re going to take away all his toys may not be the best idea if you still want him to have toys to play with. Likewise, threatening not to take him on your next vacation is clearly an empty threat when you know you’re not going to do that.
Instead, choose simple consequences you can enforce. If you don’t want to leave the family party because of his outburst, go to a quiet room instead.
6. Avoid numbered warnings
“When I count to three, you had better stop it.” Sound familiar?
I’m not a fan of the 1-2-3 warning method. If kids are misbehaving or need to listen to their parents, they need to do so without three (three!) “grace periods.” Counting to three minimizes the necessity or the gravity of what they’re doing.
Counting also leads them to think they still have three opportunities to misbehave. That they don’t have to listen until you announce the final warning.
A more effective approach is to give them a “heads up.” If you plan to leave the park, let your them know you’ll be leaving in 10 minutes. They’ll transition smoothly when you don’t announce leaving all of a sudden.
As I say in my book, 31 Days to Better Parenting:
“Change can be difficult for many of us, including kids. It’s especially challenging when a child is enjoying herself and doesn’t want to move on to the next activity. Or perhaps she’s so used to her daily routine that she’s suspicious of anything that might disrupt it. And sometimes, change is just overwhelming.”
If they still won’t listen, simply stop the action—no need for counting. For instance, if they’re throwing food, don’t say, “I’m going to count to three and you better stop throwing food by then.”
A better option is to do something else so they stop throwing food in the first place, like taking away the food or removing them from the table. Your swift action—not counting to three—sends the message that you have zero tolerance for throwing food on the floor.
Conclusion
The risk of blasting empty threats rises the more they’re used—we’ll be far more productive working with our kids on their underlying issues.
For starters, explain why your child’s behavior isn’t acceptable, and redirect him to a more appropriate activity. Give natural consequences that tie to his choices, especially doable ones you can actually follow through with. And finally, avoid numbered warnings, as they diminish the gravity of the situation.
You can get your child to listen—all without being the parent who cried wolf.
Get more tips:
- How to Get Toddlers to Listen Without Yelling
- How to Rock a Morning Routine for Toddlers
- What to Do when Your Kids Don’t Listen to You in Public
- How to Discipline a Toddler Who Doesn’t Listen
- What to Do when Your Kids Refuse to Do Chores
Don’t forget: Join my newsletter and discover the ONE effective word to get them to listen and follow instructions. Download your PDF below—at no cost to you:
I am a big fan of giving the heads up, too! I tend to forget sometimes and do the empty threat and then I want to kick myself because my kids totally know I am a big liar! ;)-Ashley
Haha Ashley! Yeah it’s funny when both parent and kid know that it’s all a farce!
Hey Nina and thanks for a great post!
I must admit I made a lot of empty threats when my son was younger…thankfully he listened to most of them. Although, deep down I knew that he felt he’d eventually get his way, which , once the waterworks would start, he did!
“Redirect their actions to something more appropriate” – This is a great tip and an even better understanding of letting kids be kids…with a little direction from mom and dad 🙂
Thanks again for an insightful post and take care. My best to all.
Lyle
Hiya Lyle! Yes redirection works wonders for us. The kiddos don’t feel like they’re blamed for anything and we get them to stop whatever it is they’re doing.
My husband always says, “I never want to be one of those parents constantly repeating himself with empty threats..and yet, it happened!”
It’s gotten better in the last year. It’s funny because so many parents I know use the counting to three method and it always works for them, yet I’ve never tried it or wanted to try it. We do a lot of redirecting. Not distraction, but redirecting. That seems to be the best with the older one. The toddler is still pretty young without a lot of obvious or intentional misbehavior.
I think the counting works for parents because maybe it’s just the norm to count to three, and kids just know to knock it off by three, maybe?
Yeah, we’re big fans of redirecting over distraction, and like yourself, find that it works better with the older ones. The younger ones maybe don’t get it just yet, or are easily distract-able, but it’s not a big old deal if we tell them they can’t yank the blinds or climb the TV stand 🙂
You have to follow through, or you’ll pay for it when the kids get older. I’m very careful about making threats that I won’t follow through on – sometimes I’ll tell the kids that there will be consequences if they do (insert misbehavior here), and think about it before I blurt something out in anger or frustration.
That’s what I’m afraid of, Dana—that they’ll grow up to be teenagers ignoring their parents. I hope not to start any patterns now!
I have gotten better at avoiding empty threats over the years, but they still come out from time to time. My most successful strategy is to say we will work out a consequence later – and to then REMEMBER to sit down and talk about it. This works best with older kids, which probably won’t surprise you.
I do count to four (or, usually, hold up four fingers), but it’s not four choices – it’s four seconds they have to stop/self redirect before the consequence begins. We have done this for years, so all I have to do is hold up one finger and they usually stop. It only works because four is a guaranteed consequence, and they know that.
Good following through, MaryAnne! I guess I should re-state and say that the 1-2-3 counting bit is useless when parents don’t actually follow through (which weirdly is what I tend to see).
OOh, I totally need help in this department – thanks for the tips! I HATE having to “follow through” on my threats but it’s true that if you don’t, they become useless….
xox
Pretty much, Rebecca. I’m with you though; it’s so hard following through but so necessary.
I think the first one is really, really important. I want my son to know that I’m not scolding him or saying “no” just because I’m the parent and want to be in control; there’s an important, logical reason for it. I think that explaining this when my kid is young will help him learn to trust me more even when he gets older; he’ll know that if I disapprove, there’s likely a good reason for it.
Exactly, Katie! It helps it not be so personally taken.
I like when you wrote “We’re telling him to stop not for any reason that has to do with himself as a person or even us as his parents, but because of a logical reason outside of himself.” Great lesson for me to help explain to my children why a behavior is not appropriate in a given situation. It teaches them life skills too.
I am guilty of counting! I’m trying to stop for the very reasons you mentioned, but it’s a slow transition.
Aw Lisa don’t worry about the counting, so long as you actually follow through with it 🙂
The following through is definitely key. I try to remind my girls that it is their choice… they can either change the behavior and not have a consequence or choose not to change the behavior and accept the consequence. I also have to make sure that they are not hungry… sometimes that is the actual cause of the misbehavior!
Ooh I like that Stephanie—choose to change the behavior and no consequence, or same behavior and have a consequence. Nicely phrased!
These are great tips! I try to not use too many empty threats, but another problem arises with my 2.5yo. He cries, loudly, for what seems like very long periods of time when something is taken from him, or when he’s stopped from doing something. Do you have any advice for this behavior? Is it just his age? Or is there something I should do?
Hi Thai,
Age definitely has something to do with it. I was just telling someone what a difference age makes. For instance, my six-year-old hardly cries, but he did a lot when he was my twins’ age (who are also 2 like yours). How do you interact with him when he’s crying for a long time? One thing I encourage parents to do is to actually make yourself less threatening by kneeling in front of him and even looking at him not at eye level but below. So he doesn’t feel so defensive. He’ll likely cry longer when he feels angry and defensive. Then when he’s crying on and on, don’t even bother talking to him. Just hold and hug him if he lets you, and let your body language do the talking. He just needs to know you’re there for him when he’s having a hard time.
Once he’s calmed down, then you can gradually start talking to him. But yeah, I’ve found that when we’re more empathetic and compassionate, the quicker they stop crying.
Let me know if you try this and how it goes!
Nina