How to Overcome the “Second Child Guilt”

Do you have second child guilt with your second pregnancy? See why having a baby shouldn’t make you feel guilty or sad for your older child.

Second Child GuiltI didn’t expect to feel guilty.

But every time I saw my three-year-old, the guilt and even sadness swept through, especially when I realized I was, after all, changing his life.

I wasn’t so much concerned with the logistics of having more than one child, aware about the challenges of balancing a toddler’s needs with a baby. I knew our days would get crazy and accepted the fact.

No—my worry was about losing my special time with my eldest and sad about saying goodbye to the three-person family I’d grown so used to. I was even scared because at least I knew my son’s personality, but had no idea what was in store with the twins.

Why you shouldn’t feel the “second child guilt”

Any feelings of guilt are terrible because we don’t always want to admit them. What parent would ever admit she’s anxious about her soon-to-be-born baby, or worried she’ll give her second child less attention?

But it turns out, plenty of second-time parents have felt these same emotions. We mourn the loss of having only one child and think about all we’ve gone through as a family of three. Letting go of what we once had can be pretty difficult.

And yes, this guilt surfaces even if you’d always planned to have two or more children or wanted to give your eldest a sibling for the longest time. You’re still saying goodbye to a part of your life you won’t get back.

So, how do you cope with second child guilt? What do you tell yourself when the feeling strikes?

1. You heart will grow even more

I still remember the first few days when I learned I was expecting twins. I looked into my first-born’s smiling face and thought, You have no idea what’s about to happen.

It’s easy to feel sad for your older child, especially with all the changes that will upend his life. But instead of focusing on the difficulties, think how much he’ll love the baby.

Yes, he might ask to send him back when he realizes he’s staying for a while (true story) or throw a tantrum over every little thing. But you won’t love him any less because you now have another child to tend to. Instead, your heart will grow when you see him with the baby.

You’re giving him an amazing opportunity to love someone else, someone unique. Not only his parents, but his own sibling. And when you see how much he’ll dote on him, your heart will feel just as full.

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2. You and your older child are in this together

Worried about losing the unique bond with your first child once the new baby arrives?

Think again.

The new baby will be one more thing you both will have in common, something you’ll go through together. Another challenge you can face with your little trooper by your side.

She won’t be pushed aside in all the madness. Instead, you’ll feel like you’re in this together, as a team. Even with your second child, your special relationship with your first will grow stronger as a result.

Learn how to survive the first few weeks with a newborn and toddler.

Newborn and Toddler

3. You’re giving your older child a lifelong friend

Your kids will fight, no doubt. Just as any relationship has its ups and downs, so too will your kids.

But one reason not to feel guilty is giving them the gift of a sibling. You’ll have a chance to nurture a unique relationship only they’ll have with one another. Many siblings are inseparable—they’re instant play mates.

I’ll be cooking in the kitchen while my kids are building blocks or running around in the house. Yes, it took a while before my eldest could actually play with his baby brothers (newborns don’t make for exhilarating playmates). But today, they are genuine friends who enjoy one another’s company.

This perk may not come immediately, but take comfort that it will.

4. You’re teaching your older child valuable lessons

Saying goodbye to your older child as an only child is hard, but you’re also giving her valuable lessons as a sibling. She’ll learn:

  • Self-sufficiency. Now more than ever will she need to do things on her own, things she’d never consider starting until much later had she been an only child. For instance, she’ll use the potty by herself, put her toys away, or fetch her own sippy cup.
  • Patience. While she’s used to having her needs met right away, soon she’ll learn the value of waiting and develop creative ways to cope with boredom.
  • Responsibility. As the big sibling, she’ll assume a leadership role. In the past, she’d always been the child, but now she’ll feel responsible and mature. She might be accountable for certain duties now that she has a little sibling.

How to make the adjustment easier

The feeling of second child guilt will go away once your little one arrives. Yes, it’ll be different, but it’s a good change that will make your life better in so many ways.

Still, that doesn’t mean you won’t run into hiccups. Those feelings of guilt might still surface, or your older child might regress or feel excluded. How can you make sure that the transition to life with a baby goes smoothly for everyone?

Here’s how to further ease your mom guilt once the little one arrives:

1. Make time for your older child

The first few weeks and months with a new baby will be different. You may not be able to go on day-long outings like you used to, or you’ll have to tell your eldest to wait while you nurse the baby.

But even if the new baby means you have less time, you’ll still find pockets of it to bond with your older child.

Maybe it’s during the 20 minutes you walk around the block, or snuggling during your bedtime routines. Perhaps it’s folding a basket of laundry together, or reading books between nursing sessions.

Though in small doses, these simple moments are some of the best times to be with him.

read with kids every day

2. Talk to your older child while doing baby tasks

You’ll be busier with baby duties like nursing, changing diapers or trying to put the baby to sleep in the crib. But don’t think of these times as separate from your older child.

For some of them, yes, it might be better to keep her occupied, for instance, while you’re putting the baby to sleep. But you can use these opportunities to hang out. Talk or play card games while you nurse the baby, or ask her to grab a diaper during a change. Find every opportunity to include her in most baby tasks.

3. Help you child feel excited about the baby

Seeing how excited your older child is about the new baby will help you cope with your own guilt. It’s hard to hang onto the guilt when you see how eager he is to meet his new baby brother.

Be realistic about his expectations, but do get him excited. This is, after all, an exciting part of his life! Yes, it’ll be a challenge, but he’ll have so many things to look forward to as a big sibling.

Talk about the benefits he’ll have, like helping to care for his little baby. A few other ideas:

  • Get him a doll or stuffed animal to practice being a big sibling to.
  • Get him his own “baby book” he can fill out about his pretend baby doll or toy.
  • Ask him to come with you to pick onesies and blankets for the baby.
  • Read children’s books about a new baby.

Conclusion

The guilt and sadness you feel about your older child as an only child is normal, but manageable. You’ll bond with him in new ways and give him the gift of a sibling. He’ll learn valuable lessons as a big brother, and your heart will swell at seeing how much he prizes the new baby.

Having a new baby doesn’t follow conventional math. You’d think adding an extra child to your limited time would mean your love and attention are further divided.

Except parenthood doesn’t work that way. Your new baby and your older child—and the bond they’ll have—will only make your love double in size.

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8 Comments

  1. Thanks for this article!! I needed to read this!

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Glad the article helped, Sarah!

  2. I’m one of three girls myself and I KNOW I want to have a second child. My first child is currently 1.5. I guess I’m just still so nervous about it. I keep going back and forth in my head “try now?” Or “try later?” Maybe it’s an excuse. But she is such a mommas girl that I just get so upset and try to think about when it would be easiest? I’m sure that that doesn’t even exist. It helps to know that this is a common concern but it’s just not easy!

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I hear you, Sara! For me, it wasn’t until my eldest was 2.5 before I decided I wanted another one. And that was coming from someone who initially wanted a big family lol.

  3. Daniel Beee says:

    This is something that is weighing on my mind as well, and I am a father. I feel my 21 month old is the best thing ever, and she receives at least 20 kisses a day from me. There is nothing I enjoy doing more than watching her and interacting with her. I feel bad that I will not be able to give her all my time once our new one comes. I think she will be great with the baby and will always want to see it (dont know sex yet) and help…I just cant imagine anything better than our first. So, this second baby guilt is real for fathers as well.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Absolutely, Daniel. It can be so rough for both parents to adjust to no longer being a family of 3, especially when those first few weeks and months can be challenging, what with a newborn to care for. It sounds though that you will be a great team working together to care for your little one 🙂

  4. Lindsey Martin says:

    Good to read – I’m in this dilemma at the moment. My son is 2y 9m and he is my world. We always wanted a second and have already waited a year longer than originally planned and now we are trying, the guilt is unbearable. In fact I keep changing my mind about doing it. How could I possibly love another as much as I love him. And how can I take my attention away from him when I want him to have all of it.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Lindsey! I can assure you that love for your children isn’t divided like it is a pie, but rather expands with each child <3 The fact that you love your son so much can only mean that you'll have double that love not only for your potential second child, but for the wonderful relationship they can have with each other. That said, listen to your heart about wanting another child—this isn't to sway you one way or another, as there's no "right" amount of kids to have. But hopefully you won't be weighed down and that guilt isn't the deciding factor.