Most parents use a reward system for kids, from potty training to chores. Here’s why you shouldn’t reward kids (and what to do instead).
Stars. Candy. A new toy. I swore I wouldn’t resort to rewards when my toddler was potty training.
So I made my own version: I drew stars on his “pee pee poster.” These stars taped to the bathroom mirror were meant to encourage continued potty-training success.
But even though I wasn’t handing him a physical reward like stickers or candy, I found that even drawing stars on a poster became ineffective in the long run. In fact, it wasn’t until I did away with the pee pee poster that potty training actually took a turn for the better.
Why you shouldn’t reward kids
Not all rewards are terrible. We reward ourselves for menial tasks we dread, or for an uphill struggle finally accomplished (like a new pair of jeans after losing weight).
But using rewards as a way to motivate kids can kill their inner drive and make it hard for parents to keep up. As I saw with my pee pee poster, these rewards can backfire and actually cause more harm than good.
Check out the following reasons why we shouldn’t reward kids:
1. Kids will get joy from external, not internal, rewards
Rewards tie our satisfaction and motivation to external sources. For most of us employed people, we work (the action) for pay (the reward). If our employer stops paying us, we’d probably stop working.
The same holds true with kids. Give an incentive to do something, and they’ll do it. But remove the incentive, and you now have an unwilling child refusing to pee in the potty.
Or take chores and money. A child who had refused to do chores, will now dust, mop, wash and fold with the promise of five dollars. But take away that five dollars, and she’s back to her old self.
I wouldn’t blame her, either. Actions stop when the rewards stop. But if we raise our kids to contribute because of the joy and pride of the act itself, then the rewards are internal. They won’t need rewards to clean their room. Their own pride (and even the expectation to clean their room) is enough to convince them.
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2. Standards keep getting raised
Rewards work especially well in its early stages: Those stickers on the potty chart look awesome! Mom and Dad’s reaction for each pee or poop is priceless! And those stickers—they’re so shiny!
A few days or weeks later, those stickers lose their luster. Maybe Mom and Dad aren’t as excited anymore. Or even if they are, what’s new?
Motivation wanes as the rewards themselves become… boring. Now parents need to the ante. Maybe instead of stickers, we now need candy. Yes, we’ll try candy… Until even that loses its appeal.
3. Rewards downplay goodwill
At a party I attended, one of the guests asked around if anyone would help her move her belongings to her new house.
“I’ll do it if you pay me,” one of the teenagers chimed in. He said it with a chuckle, but I also knew he was dead serious about the offer.
I would hope that should any of my loved ones need help, that my kids would do so willingly. No “what’s in it for me?” or personal, financial gains necessary.
Goodwill and graciousness are among some of the values we shouldn’t bribe or buy. We do things because it’s the right thing to do, no matter how indirect the rewards of doing so may be.
Rewards don’t build values—at least the ones we want to promote. We want kids to value a clean room, get along with their siblings, or be polite. We don’t encourage those values when we only highlight the reward. With rewards, the “value” then becomes the new toy, the movie they get to watch, or the money they earn.
4. Rewards extinguish passion and inherent joy
Some kids like studying or working hard. But if you reward kids with gifts for good grades, the focus becomes the gift, not the value in earning a good grade. We’ve killed that inner drive to learn and the desire to do a job well done.
Instead, kids focus on the new bike or the trip to Disneyland as the motivation for studying. The hard work? The knowledge? Those become the means to the end.
Read how to teach the value of a job well done.
Rewards don’t nurture an intrinsic sense of joy.
What to do instead of offering rewards
So, what can you do instead? If not rewards, what are our options? And are there appropriate times when we can apply rewards?
1. Evaluate whether the tasks are age- or stage-appropriate
Tasks need to be age-appropriate in order for kids to actually do them. Before using rewards as an incentive to use the potty, think about whether your child even at the right age to do so. Even if other kids his age are already using the potty, he may not be ready to do the same.
Also, give age-appropriate chores. Stick to simpler chores a child can do.
Learn what to do when kids refuse to do chores.
2. Explain why the action is important
My kids haven’t been cooperative with returning their blocks to their storage box. I could see why—the task isn’t exactly up there with the fun they were just having with playing. But instead of rewards, I try to explain the value of putting the blocks back, and why it’s important.
“We put the blocks back into the box so that [we can find them easily later / we don’t step on them / your little sister won’t put them in her mouth].”
The focus is on a reward—but not an external one. And one that’s related to the task (e.g. putting toys away = not losing toys). We’re highlighting the value and the real reason he should do the task.
3. Encourage pride at a job well done
“You did it!” I said to my son after he remembered to wash his hands after dinner. I try to limit praise (praise is, after all, an external reward). But pointing out my son’s own pride after a job well done helps him realize that rewards can come from within.
When we say how they seem to enjoy what they’re doing, we remind them that tasks don’t always need a bribe. They can—and should—contribute simply for the joy and even the expectation for doing so.
Just as the value of a task can serve as a reward, the pride in a job well done can do the same.
Read more about teaching the value of a job well done.
Praise your child’s effort, not innate talents.
4. Don’t over-praise
At the same time, reserve your praise for when your child deserves it. Doling out “good job”s and rewards can backfire and lose their gusto.
Instead, come to expect good behavior. Kids learn they need to brush their teeth even without their parents cheering them on. It’s just what we do. It’s necessary.
If anything, find different ways to reward kids for good behavior. You might simply acknowledge how happy she made her brother feel, or that she can now go down the slide all by herself. Keep them simple and appropriate—don’t praise for ordinary feats.
Learn why saying “good job” isn’t always a good idea.
Come to expect good behavior.
5. Find underlying issues
Let’s say a child doesn’t want to go to school in the mornings. Our first thought shouldn’t be to reward her if she puts her shoes on right away.
Instead, see why she might be holding back. Could there be changes in the school that may have made her not want to go? Is she feeling unwell? Find underlying issues that may be causing her to resist in the first place.
6. Pick a good time to ask
We all get in our moods where doing something we have to do just doesn’t feel good. If I’m in the middle of a good book, no way would I willingly wash the dishes if someone asked me to. The same is true for our kids.
Remind them about chores during the best times, not when she’s hungry, tired or focused on a project. You don’t have to use rewards to convince kids when you’d have better luck finding the right time.
Learn 3 techniques to improve your child’s focus.
Remind them about chores during the best times, not when she’s hungry, tired or focused on a project.
7. Offer to help
The next time you feel obligated to reward kids for cleaning up their toys, offer to help instead. Having your company makes the task more fun.
I also notice that helping my son makes the task seem less of a big deal. It’s just another thing we do instead of a whole new battle to face off with each other.
8. Relax your standards
Kids may not listen because we’ve set our standards too high. One of the quickest ways to make your kids feel bad is to micromanage and criticize what they’ve done. Keep your cool if they don’t hang their clothes as neatly as you do.
Instead, appreciate their willingness to help and correct them only if needed.
9. Show your appreciation
Begin a lifelong habit of showing gratitude towards your kids. Thank them when they surprise you with the behavior and values you’d like them to continue. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, especially when they weren’t expecting anything in return.
You’re teaching the family values and expectations so you don’t have to use rewards.
Conclusion
There will be moments even in our own lives when we need that reward. As much as we wish we could have a positive attitude 24/7, that isn’t possible.
Rewards can be helpful for quick fixes when nothing else will do. Sometimes rewards are fun. We like to see our kids’ faces light up when we drink a smoothie to celebrate a long shopping trip.
And other times they’re the natural consequence of a job well done. A child who doesn’t dilly dally with putting on his shoes gets to spend more time playing at the park.
As with most things, moderation is key. Each situation is different. Each child is different. We just need to make sure that rewards are simply that—little treats once in a while, not a crutch to rely on all the time.
Limit rewards and use them in moderation, not as a crutch where nothing gets done if your child don’t get a gold star.
Get more tips on how to encourage your child:
- 3 Techniques to Help Your Child Improve Focus
- Why It’s Not Good to Say Good Job (and What to Say Instead)
- How to Properly Use Praise to Encourage Your Child’s Potential
- Teach Your Child the Value of a Job Well Done
- How to Get Kids to Do Chores (Without the Constant Reminders)
Don’t forget: you can join my newsletter and get my list of Toddler Tasks and Chores to encourage self-sufficiency and independence! Download it below—at no cost to you:
I do use rewards with my kids. I see it as the kid equivalent of getting paid for a job, or the rewards adults give themselves sometimes for overcoming something difficult (for example, I’ll eat healthily all day and then allow myself chocolate as my reward/concession, or Mike and I will sometimes sit and watch a movie instead of cleaning the house after a rough day). My kids also do a lot of things without getting rewards, and we usually use rewards to establish a behavior and the phase them out – just as you did with your son and potty training.
I actually did think about cleaning the house as a typical situation when we adults give ourselves rewards. I’ll usually kick back with some nice food and drinks 🙂
So far the potty training thing has been the most blatant time I used some form of rewards. Otherwise, we just phrase rewards as something natural.
I love the idea of posing the questions for good timing, if at all possible! A hungry, tired, absorbed kid (or adult) does not want to be interrupted. And my four-year-old LOVES when I offer to help. I don’t always do it, but I do it, and her face lights up.
I remember when she went to a daycare briefly, and they had a big bag of M&Ms in the fridge for the potty. My daughter was already potty-trained, but she was only two and they couldn’t very well leave her out, so she got M&Ms too! She didn’t expect them at home, but I knew it would be nearly impossible for them to wean or cold turkey her at daycare.
I remember using stickers for training and wondering when it was time to stop. Would she just stop using the potty? And she didn’t, of course. She liked the rhythm of the training and I do believe letting her know how important it was to complete all the steps (washing your hands prevents illness, etc.) was enough for her in the end.
That’s awesome you explained its importance, and having that be the reason why she would do all the steps. I think the rhythm of potty use—especially its repetitiveness—kind of ingrains the use of it without having to use further rewards. I would think that potty training with rewards would probably be more successful than, say, paying to do chores then suddenly stopping. I wonder if kids would continue to do the same chores without the grumbling.
Such an interesting post! I will be thinking about this one all day. I definitely think that attempting to teach children about the accomplishment being enough reward is hugely important. :)-Ashley
Thanks, Ashley. Don’t worry if you come up with different conclusions than me 🙂 I wrote this post not expecting it to be “popular.” But yes, it’s pretty awesome when the accomplishment is reward in itself.
I’ve really struggled with this. I had long been really anti-reward for all of the reasons you brought up. But then we hit a snag in some issue, I really now don’t remember exactly what it was, perhaps potty training, and Eli’s teacher at school suggested I use the same system they use at school. Kids earn popsicle sticks that are then turned in for items in a treasure box at the end of the week. So we did it, and it worked… but I don’t like the idea of my son expecting to be paid for something that should just be done happily. The issue passed and I slowly stopped using the system. Then Eli was transferred to another class at school that doesn’t use that rewards system. It has been a difficult transition for many reasons and he dearly misses his old class and teacher. One Friday he came home in tears because he missed treasure box day at school being in his new class now. So we are doing it at home again. Mostly I “catch him being good” and give a stick after some nice unprompted behavior, like picking up toys without being asked, so that it is less of a bribe or payment, but I do worry that my giving the reward steals from his experience and pride in his own behavior. I hope as the difficulty of this transition passes we can slowly “forget” about using it again. The one time I do really like using it though is to get him through the things like haircuts that are very difficult for him due to the sensory processing issues. For every 3 minutes he endures the activity he earns a stick and by the time he’s earned about 5 sticks I’ve got his hair cut with only moderate squirming involved.
I think the reason why rewards work so well for potty training in particular is because we actually have to *teach* them to use the potty. They really have no great incentive to use it (other than, I suppose, to copy a big brother or sister, or a friend). To them, peeing and pooping in their diaper has worked so long—don’t fix it if it ain’t broke, right? 🙂
And like you said, for difficult situations, maybe rewards *are* the way to go, when nothing else seems to work. We have to weigh what’s more feasible—allowing our kid’s hair to never get cut, or giving him a stick for behaving. I would probably go for the stick.
I really enjoyed reading this although I’m not sure that I completely agree. I agree with the idea, but not necessarily with your conclusions but ONLY because my son is on the autism spectrum and rewards for behavior are HUGE. I mean that’s how we got him potty trained and he does not expect the same rewards any longer, so maybe that’s the part that doesn’t work for me.
Thanks, Kristi. I think—spectrum or not—a lot of parents would agree with you. Heck, I could probably write another post arguing the other side: Why You Should Reward Your Kids, lol.
We could even get philosophical and say that everything we do is on some level of a reward. After all, we do things that make us laugh (reward), eat healthy food to stay healthy (reward), eat unhealthy food because it’s so darn good (reward), and so on.
Those aren’t really the rewards I’m talking about, but rather the ones that seem more like bribes. Then again, even those have their place with our kids. And when they’re phased out pretty easily, then maybe that’s a sign that its positive impact outweighed its negative.
while your suggestions are good and i do subscribe to it mostly (also because i come from an asian upbringing where rewards for doing “good work” are virtually non-existent), i would like to say that rewards are necessary for many children with additional needs.
many more people are now aware of children who learn differently, in particular, kids who are diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (as another reader pointed out). i work with a lot of them and because they do have a reduced understanding of theory of mind (seeing things from other people’s point of view), rarely do they respond to intangible incentives nor will they do something to try to please another.
some parents of these children who are new on the journey have similar philosophies of not rewarding their child with tangible things…and have taken offense to my suggestions to offer rewards (or reinforcements as we call it professionally) and eventually stop turning up to see me. i don’t know of any better way to help “train” these children and i don’t think any other expert on the matter has.
of course your post is targeting the “typically developing” population but i thought i’d just highlight this point for any other parent with children with special needs, that rewards aren’t bad and are actually highly necessary to train positive behaviour and aid development.
Thank you for your comment!
Yes, this post is directed towards typical behavior, or more specifically, what I’ve learned works for my kids 🙂 You’re not the first to point out that rewards work for special needs kids (like you said, just take a look at previous comments). And yeah, I start and end the post saying rewards have their place in many situations.
Thank you also for highlighting this important point. I like your explanation that special needs kids have a reduced understanding of what seems to be empathy and thus require external rewards. Very interesting and eye-opening indeed. It’s unfortunate that parents have stopped going to you even if as you say the common practice is to offer reinforcements.
I have been using rewards with all my children since my first was young… He is 8 and has special needs. As a special educator, rewards are used commonly to shape behavior based on principles of applied behavior analysis- so I thought it was good parenting technique. We have an entire token economy system iN our home where the children earn/ spend etc. (He has 3 younger siblings) BUT I completely agree with your post. It is at the point where I feel like I cannot get my children to do anything without holding a reward or consequence over their heads. Where is the intrinsic motivation??? I have been gradually reducing rewards, praise, etc and while my younger ones are responding, the oldest is more stubborn. To the new parents out there- she is on to something! While they may not be able to be eliminated entirely, Use rewards are sparingly as possible.
Hi Celina, thanks for your insight! It’s interesting to see how a rewards system can have an effect years down the line. I have heard though that for special needs it’s common to have a reward system. Still, it’s unfortunate that the side effects can include a lack of intrinsic motivation in the future. I’m sure over time, your oldest will also respond to less rewards. I agree—not all rewards are bad, but we just need to use it sparingly. Or at the least, praise for effort and highlight the internal joy they can have for doing something. ~Nina
I find it very odd that a child getting good grades all year, not just one test or one day,shouldn’t get incentive reward, but if you preform a good job it’s okay to get extra money. And is it really okay to buy a child a toy just to get him or her to be quiet and not make a scene.
Hi Patti, thanks for your comment and viewpoint! Each family can definitely do what works for them 🙂 Nina
So….i have to say i don’t particuarly agree with this. Neither do alot of professionals. Granted i dwell in the world of special needs parenting and maybe thats why.
We use an economy point system. It has worked wonders for my 6 year old’s behavior.
He gets tickets (cheap “admit one” tickets) for good behavior, following routine, chores, and school work.
How many he gets depends on the difficulty. So he gets one ticket for getting dressed 10 tickets for controling his impulses and emotions. When something becomes “too” easy we decrease the amount of tickets that particular thing is worth.
Then he takes those tickets and uses them to pay for ALL privileges. Playing with toys. Watching tv. Tablet time. Playing outside ect.
Sounds mean but its to encourage him to get dressed, put clothes in hamper, put glasses on, and eat breakfast BEFORE he plays or watches tv.
Its to encourage him not to leave his bedroom a wreck before going outside.
Then misbehavior costs him tickets too. So he does extra chores. To make up for them.
In the last 6 months we’ve made more progress with this system than we have in 3 years.
Hi Kayla! I’ve heard that rewards do work well for special needs—a fellow mom actually wrote a guest article on this blog talking about how she uses rewards to discipline and motivate her son with autism, and she has said that in special needs cases, kids need reinforcement like rewards to give them something tangible to hold onto and look forward to. I also know teachers use this in the classroom, though in that case, I still don’t entirely agree with it, but I can see how that can definitely help the kids at least understand the merits of behavior (and help the teacher manage a room full of kids!).