Not sharing with other kids and family members is common with children. Learn how to teach toddlers to share with these 7 tips.
Toddlers are notorious for not sharing. They won’t let other kids play with their sand toys, refuse to let go of the steering wheel at the park, and hold tight to their belongings—even if they weren’t interested in them a minute ago.
Normal as it may be with a child’s development, we still want to teach toddlers to share with other children and siblings.
My little ones—being twins—are learning how to share and take turns be default. Add in my eldest and you can see why I want to avoid the whining and fighting that often happens when kids want the same things. I also want to encourage a genuine willingness to play with one another and build a strong sibling bond even at a young age.
How to teach toddlers to share
So, how do you get toddlers to share, much less explain its importance to kids as young as toddlers and preschoolers?
I’ve learned that it’s less effective to force toddlers to share as it is to teach and model the right behavior. And that we can prevent social conflict in the first place, as well as encourage good will and sportsmanship.
Let’s take a look at seven ways to do just that.
1. Practice turn-taking
One of the biggest reasons toddlers refuse to share is that they believe doing so means relinquishing their item. The best way to show that this doesn’t always have to be the case? Practice turn-taking.
Rather than having your toddler completely give up a toy, for instance, he can practice turn-taking to get in the habit of giving to others, knowing he hasn’t lost his turn completely. It’s a fantastic way to encourage him to play with others in a fair way.
How can you practice turn-taking at home?
You might hug a teddy bear and say it’s your turn to hug. Then hand the bear to your toddler and say, “Now it’s your turn to hug the bear.” Keep the game going, passing the bear back and forth while saying whose turn it is to hug.
Or let’s say your kids want a turn riding on the toy fire truck. Set a timer or 10-15 minutes for each child. Similarly, encourage them to cycle through games and activities that naturally lend themselves well to turn-taking. For instance, have them line up for their turn to go down the slide.
Your toddler learns that just because he isn’t using or playing with an item, it doesn’t mean he won’t have a turn with it again. Turn-taking reassures him that he can still share with others without giving up his chance completely.
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2. Praise your toddler when you see her sharing
Do you feel like you’re constantly hounding your toddler to share, to not yank a toy from someone, or that it’s another child’s turn?
What if, instead of focusing too much on where she’s going wrong, you focus on the times when she’s doing the right thing?
You see, kids respond better to positive reinforcement than to constant correction. You’ll have more luck praising your toddler when she’s sharing—no matter how small the gesture—than pointing out when she’s not.
Spot those little moments and acknowledge how well she’s sharing. You might praise her for thinking of others, for taking turns, or for offering a beloved toy to her little brother. These simple praises will be more effective at teaching her how to share than reprimanding her each time she doesn’t.
3. Don’t punish your toddler for not sharing
As much as I want my kids to share, I’m also not a fan of forcing them to.
Children, especially younger ones, have little concept of sharing. Toddlers truly believe that everything in sight is theirs for the taking. They don’t understand that books on the shelf belong to the library, or that the shovel at the park is actually the little boy’s, not theirs.
Not sharing is also a normal behavior, even for adults. Imagine how terrible it’d feel if you had to give up your items because someone else wanted a turn with it. No wonder kids refuse to share, or hold onto their items.
But what do you do if your toddler refuses to part with a toy, even though he’s had it long enough?
First, describe how much fun he’s having with the toy and empathize by saying you’d have a hard time giving it up as well. Next, encourage him to take turns, saying his brother wants a chance as well, and that he’ll have a turn after he’s done.
If he still refuses to share, acknowledge it: “It looks like you’re not ready to share. Let’s give you five more minutes to play with it, so your brother also has a turn.” And remind him that he’ll get a turn again: “After he’s done, you’ll get it back right away.”
Most important, don’t make him out to be the “bad guy” because he didn’t willingly share the toy immediately. These are his genuine feelings, and he needs help learning how to share with others.
Read why kids shouldn’t be forced to share.
4. Model sharing behavior yourself
Kids learn best from what they see us do more so than anything we say.
So the best way to teach your toddler to share is to simply share with him. Eating raisins? Share a few with him. Creating structures out of building blocks? Share your pieces when he runs out. Playing with one of his cars? Take turns zooming it back and forth to each other.
As you do, point out how fun and easy it is to share, and how it makes you feel good to do so. Then leave it at that—no need to tie it back to his own actions. Let your consistent behavior serve as gentle reminders for the future when he’s in the same situation.
Perhaps the biggest lesson he’ll learn from your behavior is that everyone shares, not just kids. That sharing isn’t “punishment,” but a lifelong value that benefits everyone.
Read more about modeling the behavior you want to see.
5. Avoid labeling possessions
Does it drive you crazy when your toddler screams “Mine!” when someone tries to play with his toys? One of the best ways to change this habit is by not saying which items belong to whom.
For instance, you might constantly designate one child’s toys as hers, while another’s as his. Maybe you emphasize how the toy spider is sister’s toy, and that he should play with the spinning top he got instead.
While it’s okay to say whose is whose from time to time, doing this too much makes him more likely to be possessive of the items that are his.
This applies to non-toys as well. If he tries to play with the remote control, you might say, “We don’t play with the remote control,” or “The remote control stays on the side table” instead of “That’s not yours,” or “That’s mine.”
6. Make toys communal
For those with more than one child, refer to most of your kids’ toys as everyone’s toys to encourage communal ownership rather than a single person owning particular items. The benefit? They won’t feel like they have to guard their items or protect their ownership from their siblings.
At first, it seems like a good idea to designate a toy for each child, or even to get one toy for each just to lessen the fighting.
Except it does the opposite: Now each child feels possessive over his items and will refuse to share it with his siblings. Worse, he might not know the joys of sharing because he’s preoccupied with owning and protecting her things.
Of course you’ll have a few exceptions. Beloved toys are special for a reason (like lovies), and choking hazards need to stay away from younger kids.
But encourage a shared view of toys instead of a “that’s mine” and “that’s yours” mentality. Better yet, make playing together a group activity that’s just as fun as playing by yourself.
Read more about the downsides of having too many toys.
7. Don’t solve your toddler’s social conflicts
You hear the kids fight, and your first instinct is to rush to the room and put an end to it, especially when the whining and yelling are grating to your ears. You also don’t want their fight to get worse, and sometimes, stepping in seems like what a “good parent” should do.
Except solving their social conflicts—whether with siblings or even another child at the park—denies kids the opportunity to learn how to share on their own. Despite our assumptions, kids can devise ways to come up with their own solutions to sharing—if we give them the chance to.
The next time your kids fight, hang back for a minute or so, even if it seems like they’re not getting anywhere. I’ve found that my kids will come up with creative solutions to sharing, like dividing pieces or taking turns. Other times, they realize it’s not worth the fight and move on.
But they won’t learn any of that if we jump in right away, or worse, assume they can’t resolve their own conflicts without an adult’s intervention.
Read more about why you shouldn’t solve your child’s social conflicts.
Conclusion
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Even though not sharing is normal for toddlers, these social conflicts can still be frustrating for you to deal with. Don’t worry: you can still do your part in helping your toddler learn to share.
Start by practicing turn-taking at home, and praising him when he does share. Avoid punishing him for the way he feels, and model sharing behavior yourself. Avoid labeling possessions too much, and instead make most of your kids’ toys communal.
And finally, don’t jump in right away for every social conflict, allowing them to try to resolve it themselves.
With small but effective changes, your toddler won’t be the terror at the library insisting that all books are his, and will instead learn to share—all on his own.
p.s. A fantastic book about sharing to read with your toddler is It’s Mine by Leo Lionni. Check it out at your library or online store to learn about the benefits of sharing:
Get more tips:
- Why Kids Shouldn’t Be Forced to Share
- What to Do if Your Child Shows Off to Others
- How to Teach Conflict Resolution for Children
- Children’s Books about Positive Behavior
- How to Survive the First Few Weeks with a Newborn and Toddler
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I try to suggest sharing without pushing the issue. Some of the playgroup moms get really ashamed and insistent when their preverbal child is being toy grabby. It’s completely normal for small children to get possessive. I find that they eventually get it.
I agree that social settings are the ones where kids are most likely to be forced to share. It’s almost like we don’t want to be the parents that let our kids monopolize toys, but in reality, the kid is just not yet ready to share at that moment. I usually say when you’re done, hand the toy to the other kid.
I think the idea of making toys communal is perfect. It could work in a home without one child as well. To help my twins share, sometimes I’ll divide up the toys or crayons in front of them. Bonus: They are learning “fair sharing” (early division). 🙂
Haha we’ve had to do that too Nikki. When the twins were fighting over these little cars, we gave two each.
I love these tips! I agree that it is so important to support them in developing these skills in a positive way. 🙂
Thanks Alison 🙂
Some great tips there! Thanks for ‘sharing’ excuse the pun! I must show my mummy this #TwinklyTuesday
Great advice!! My little one is still learning the concept of sharing, lol.
Haha I’m sure most are 🙂
It is a hard concept for toddlers, isn’t it? And heck, for adults too sometimes.
I like the communal toys as well as not labeling. That gets annoying at home with the kids. And also, modeling sharing is pretty awesome for them to see!
Absolutely Tamara. Drives me nuts when they say ‘mine’ 10 times a day lol.
In our house new toys are the hardest to share. Around birthdays we usually invoke a 24-hour rule. New toys belong to the person they were given to exclusively for the first 24 hours. After that they are communal toys and need to be shared. There are obviously some exceptions, but for the most part this works for us.
Oh what a great idea Rabia! I like that you also implement a communal toy rule.
Sharing is such a hard thing for little kids to learn! If it’s not something that L explicitly knows as her sister’s, she considers it hers. We’ve definitely practiced turn-taking, and often providing other options. For example, when one child wants a toy that the other is playing with, the child who has what the other one wants has to say “I’m not finished with my turn, but you can play with ____”. Then a limited turn is enforced. It doesn’t always work, but when it’s done, it’s fantastic. You’ll also often hear me say “sometimes the answer is ‘no'” when a turn has been requested. Love your idea of communal toys. We try to do that often, but when a toy is given for a birthday or Christmas, we often enforce ownership for at least a few days and then it becomes communal.
Ooh Leslie, such a great tactic with having the child with the toy say that she’s not done with it! I do that with my kiddos but I like how you encourage them to say it themselves. And yes, it’s so important for kids to understand ‘no’ and that it’s really fair that their sibling can continue playing with it.
Yes, SO hard to teach a toddler to share. It also seems unfair since my older son is the one always sharing because my toddler always wants HIS things (he never wants HER things, LOL). I guess with time and being good examples, it’ll naturally develop.
Haha the little ones always want big brother’s or big sister’s things 🙂 That’s great though that he’s modeling such a kind thing to do.
Wonderful tips! I love modeling sharing for the kids – they really soak up everything they see their parents doing! And not to label things as mine or yours. Great ideas x
Thanks so much Becky! It’s true, modeling behavior is probably the most important and effective way to teach a lesson.
The values brought about by sharing are extremely important! In my case, my son is always very happy to share his food to anyone but when it comes to his toys, he’s very possessive. He would say “no that’s me (mine)” and would cry when someone takes his toys away from him. That’s most likely what we need to work on.
Yep, same here. My kids are more likely to share their food than toys!
Great tips! I also believe that sharing should not be forced. At the same time, the concept of communal toys would really help toddlers share. It can be a bit challenging with only children, though.
Yup, that’s why it’s so helpful to practice sharing with parents too. We parents are suckers for kids and bend down to their whims lol. When they share with us and we praise them, that seems to help reinforce the idea.
Great tips here. We are only just really starting out with this. Zachary has been at nursery since he was 1 (not full time), and I really think it has helped him to learn sharing. That said, there is the odd issue, especially when it’s something of his that issues arise. Will be using this advice to keep it in check! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Having others to share with has been good for our kids too. Obviously my twins have to by default but with my eldest, taking him to play dates and library events was also good practice.
A lot of the tips are great. Here’s a different point of view: No teaching needed.
“She refuses to part with a toy even though she’s had it long enough.” Who decides she’s had it long enough? In my experience there is no need to “teach” children to share. Most children under 3 are psychologically unable to share as their sense of identity and empathy are still lacking. Teaching them is pretty much just that- training through conditioning, which works, just like it does with dogs and rats. They do it because it gets rewarded, not because there’s an understanding behind it.
Sharing MUST come from the heart. Think about situation when you share. Why do you do it? It’s a natural development that evolves and gets rewarded intrinsically – if I share something, my friend is happy.
Teaching sharing (as in conditioning) creates possessiveness and obsessive turn taking for the sake of owing the toy/ being in control. Truly respecting children means to acknowledge and respect the time they need for an activity/ with a particular toy. I’m not saying we should ignore the other children feelings! Quite the opposite. Foster empathy by saying things along the line of “yes, he is having a long turn, and you really want to go on the swing as well. It’s frustrating isn’t it?” (offer hugs, sit and wait) “You can ask him to be next, once he’s done with his turn. Would you like to do that?” To the child on the swing “XY is quite upset because she wants to go on the swing as well and finds it difficult to wait for her turn. Just let her know once you are done.” Believe it or not, it takes all the pressure away. The children know they have the right to use things once the other person is done even though it might take a while (and it doesn’t once they know they don’t have to be anxious about giving it up against their will).
I’m an ECE teacher and new kids from other day care facilities always struggle with this when they come to us. They are used to adults regulating the “taking turn situation”. Very quickly children (age 3 and up) start sharing all by themselves because THEY WANT TO. Just like you want to buy your friend a cup of coffee because she’s your friend. Or like I share a few pieces of my pineapple with the children and my colleague at lunch.
Relax folks, how much do you really share with your neighbour? 😉 Some provoking thoughts: Is the amount of sharing we expect from our small children a factual representation of how our society works? Because wherever I look everything is “mine”, “his” or “hers” (starting with our house, clothes, food,…) and whoever owns it has the right to share or not to share. And that’s fine 🙂 Why “teach” children to share their -in our eyes- rather meaningless toys?
Love your points, Janina! You’ll definitely want to check out this article I wrote as well: https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/2012/02/22/why-kids-shouldnt-be-forced-to-share/ all about the points you make above. Couldn’t agree more on raising kids who want to share, and that young children aren’t wired to share just yet (they think everything is literally theirs for the taking). I’d love to share your insights in a future email newsletter if you don’t mind. I’m certain a lot of parents will get a lot out of it!