Not sharing with other kids and family members is common with children. Learn how to teach toddlers to share with these 7 tips.
Kids are notorious for not sharing. They won’t let other kids play with sand toys, refuse to let go of the steering wheel at the park, and hold tight to their belongings—even if they weren’t interested in them a minute ago.
Normal it may be with a child’s development, we still want to teach kids to share and interact with other children or siblings.
My twins are learning how to share and take turns be default—they’re twins, after all. Add in my eldest and you can see why I want to avoid the whining and fighting that often happens when kids want the same things. I also want to encourage a genuine willingness to play with one another and build a strong sibling bond from the start.
How to teach toddlers to share
So, how do you get children to share, much less explain the importance of sharing to kids as young as toddlers and preschoolers?
These seven tips have been effective because they don’t force kids to share. Instead, you’ll learn how to teach your kids to share, prevent arguments in the first place, and encourage good will when you see it.
Let’s take a look at the seven ways to teach kids to share:
1. Practice turn-taking
Turn-taking is a fantastic way to encourage children to interact with others in a fair way. Practice turn-taking at home to get in the habit of giving to others.*
For instance, hug a teddy bear, saying it’s mama’s turn to hug. Then hand the bear to your child and say, “Now it’s your turn to hug the bear.” Keep the game going, passing the bear back and forth while saying whose turn it is to hug.
Your child learns that just because she gives an item up, it doesn’t mean she won’t have it again. Turn-taking reassures her she can still share without giving up her chance at playing with a toy or game.
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2. Praise your child when you see her sharing
Kids respond best to positive reinforcement. You’ll have more luck praising your child when she’s behaving than pointing out when she’s not. No one likes to learn where she went wrong or the ways she hasn’t been behaving.
This applies to sharing as well. Praise her when she shares with others, no matter how small the gesture. You might praise her for thinking of others, for taking turns, or offering a beloved toy to her little brother.
These simple praises will be more effective at promoting sharing than reprimanding her each time she doesn’t.
3. Don’t punish your child for not sharing
As much as I want my kids to share, I’m also not a fan of forcing them to.
Children, especially younger ones, have no concept of sharing. Toddlers truly believe that everything in sight is theirs for the taking. They don’t understand that books on the shelf belong to the library, or that the shovel at the park is actually the little boy’s, not theirs.
Not sharing is also a normal behavior, even for adults. Imagine how terrible it’d feel if you had to give up your items because someone else wanted a turn with it. No wonder kids refuse to share or hold onto their items.
Let’s say, your child refuses to part with a toy even though she’s had it long enough. First, describe how much fun she’s having with the toy. Then, empathize by saying you’d have a hard time giving it up as well. Next, encourage her to take turns, saying her brother wants a chance as well, and that she’ll have a turn after he’s done.
If she still refuses to share, acknowledge it: “It looks like you’re not ready to share. Let us know when you’re ready so your brother can have a turn.” At most, say you’re disappointed and leave it at that. Eventually she’ll give her brother the toy, all on her own.
Read why kids shouldn’t be forced to share.
4. Model sharing behavior yourself
Kids learn best from what they see us do, so share your own things with them. Eating raisins? Share a few with your child, and point out how you’d love to share with her. When playing a game of building blocks, share your pieces with the rest of the family.
As you do, point out how fun and easy it is to share with others, and how it makes you feel good to do so. Then leave it at that—no need to tie it back to her own actions. Let your consistent behavior serve as gentle reminders when she’s in the same situation.
A bigger importance of sharing in early childhood? She’ll learn that everyone shares, and not just kids. That this isn’t “punishment,” but a lifelong value that benefits everyone.
Read more about modeling the behavior you want to see.
5. Avoid labeling possessions
Does it drive you crazy when your child screams “Mine!” when someone else tries to play with her toys? One of the best ways to change this habit is by not saying which items belong to whom.
This applies to non-toys as well. If she tries to play with the remote control, don’t say, “That’s not yours” or “That’s mine.” Instead, say “We don’t play with the remote control,” or “The remote control stays on the side table.”
You’re changing your child’s automatic response of “Mine!” Speaking of which…
6. Make toys communal
For those with more than one child, refer to your kids’ toys as everyone’s toys. You’re encouraging communal ownership rather than a single person owning particular items. The benefit? Your kids won’t feel like they have to guard their items from their siblings.
At first, it seems like a good idea to designate a toy for each child, to get one toy each and lessen the fighting. Except it does the opposite: Now each child feels possessive over her items and will refuse to share it with her siblings. Worse, she won’t know the joys of sharing because she’s preoccupied with owning her items.
You’ll likely have a few exceptions. Beloved toys are special for a reason, and choking hazards need to stay away from younger kids. But encourage a shared view of toys instead of a “that’s mine” and “that’s yours” mentality. Better yet, make playing together a group activity that’s just as fun as playing by yourself.
Read more about the downsides of having too many toys.
7. Don’t solve their social conflicts
You hear the kids fight, and your first instinct is to rush to the room and put an end to it. The whining and yelling are grating to your ears. You also don’t want their fight to get any worse. And sometimes, it seems like what a “good parent” should do.
Except solving their social conflicts—whether with siblings or even another child at the park—denies them the opportunity to learn how to share on their own. Yes, children can devise ways to come up with their own solutions to sharing—if we give them the chance to.
The next time your kids fight, hang back for a minute or so, even if it seems like they’re not getting anywhere. I’ve found that my kids will come up with creative solutions to sharing, such as dividing it up or taking turns. Other times, they realize they don’t care much about it anymore and move on.
But they won’t learn any of that if we jump in right away. Worse, they won’t know they have the ability to resolve their own conflicts without an adult.
Read more about why you shouldn’t solve your child’s social conflicts.
Conclusion
Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links, which means I will earn a commission—at no extra cost to you—if you make a purchase.
Even though not sharing is normal, it can still be frustrating for you to deal with. Don’t worry: you can still do your part in helping your child learn to share.
Praising her when she does share and practice sharing at home. Change how you address personal and communal items. Don’t solve their social conflicts, and model the behavior yourself.
With small but effective changes, your child won’t be the terror at the library or park and will learn to share on her own.
A fantastic book about sharing to read with your child is It’s Mine by Leo Lionni. Check it out at your library and teach your child the benefit of sharing:
Get more tips:
- Why Kids Shouldn’t Be Forced to Share
- What to Do if Your Child Shows Off to Others
- How to Stop Siblings from Fighting and Teach Conflict Resolution Instead
- 12 Children’s Books that Reinforce Positive Behavior
- How to Survive the First Few Weeks with a Newborn and Toddler
*Source: Playgroup WA
5-Day Parenting Challenge
Looking for actionable steps and quick wins in parenting? The Better Parenting 5-Day Challenge is for parents who know they want to improve but need that little nudge and supportive guidance to do so.
Over the course of 5 days, we’ll tackle one actionable tip per day you can implement right away that will drastically change the way you raise your child. This is your chance to challenge yourself and make the changes you’ve been meaning to make. Join my newsletter and sign up today!
Courtney says
June 16, 2015 at 5:56 amI try to suggest sharing without pushing the issue. Some of the playgroup moms get really ashamed and insistent when their preverbal child is being toy grabby. It’s completely normal for small children to get possessive. I find that they eventually get it.
Nina says
June 16, 2015 at 8:12 amI agree that social settings are the ones where kids are most likely to be forced to share. It’s almost like we don’t want to be the parents that let our kids monopolize toys, but in reality, the kid is just not yet ready to share at that moment. I usually say when you’re done, hand the toy to the other kid.
Nikki says
June 16, 2015 at 7:10 amI think the idea of making toys communal is perfect. It could work in a home without one child as well. To help my twins share, sometimes I’ll divide up the toys or crayons in front of them. Bonus: They are learning “fair sharing” (early division). 🙂
Nina says
June 16, 2015 at 8:15 amHaha we’ve had to do that too Nikki. When the twins were fighting over these little cars, we gave two each.
Alison says
June 16, 2015 at 8:07 amI love these tips! I agree that it is so important to support them in developing these skills in a positive way. 🙂
Nina says
June 16, 2015 at 8:17 amThanks Alison 🙂
Baby Isabella says
June 16, 2015 at 8:26 amSome great tips there! Thanks for ‘sharing’ excuse the pun! I must show my mummy this #TwinklyTuesday
Nina says
June 16, 2015 at 9:18 pmThanks!
Gingi says
June 16, 2015 at 11:24 amGreat advice!! My little one is still learning the concept of sharing, lol.. – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
Nina says
June 16, 2015 at 9:22 pmHaha I’m sure most are 🙂
Tamara says
June 16, 2015 at 11:38 amIt is a hard concept for toddlers, isn’t it? And heck, for adults too sometimes.
I like the communal toys as well as not labeling. That gets annoying at home with the kids. And also, modeling sharing is pretty awesome for them to see!
Nina says
June 16, 2015 at 9:23 pmAbsolutely Tamara. Drives me nuts when they say ‘mine’ 10 times a day lol.
Rabia @TheLiebers says
June 17, 2015 at 10:11 amIn our house new toys are the hardest to share. Around birthdays we usually invoke a 24-hour rule. New toys belong to the person they were given to exclusively for the first 24 hours. After that they are communal toys and need to be shared. There are obviously some exceptions, but for the most part this works for us.
Nina says
June 17, 2015 at 8:30 pmOh what a great idea Rabia! I like that you also implement a communal toy rule.
Leslie says
June 17, 2015 at 3:31 pmSharing is such a hard thing for little kids to learn! If it’s not something that L explicitly knows as her sister’s, she considers it hers. We’ve definitely practiced turn-taking, and often providing other options. For example, when one child wants a toy that the other is playing with, the child who has what the other one wants has to say “I’m not finished with my turn, but you can play with ____”. Then a limited turn is enforced. It doesn’t always work, but when it’s done, it’s fantastic. You’ll also often hear me say “sometimes the answer is ‘no'” when a turn has been requested. Love your idea of communal toys. We try to do that often, but when a toy is given for a birthday or Christmas, we often enforce ownership for at least a few days and then it becomes communal.
Nina says
June 17, 2015 at 8:34 pmOoh Leslie, such a great tactic with having the child with the toy say that she’s not done with it! I do that with my kiddos but I like how you encourage them to say it themselves. And yes, it’s so important for kids to understand ‘no’ and that it’s really fair that their sibling can continue playing with it.
lisacng @ expandng.com says
June 18, 2015 at 7:38 amYes, SO hard to teach a toddler to share. It also seems unfair since my older son is the one always sharing because my toddler always wants HIS things (he never wants HER things, LOL). I guess with time and being good examples, it’ll naturally develop.
Nina says
June 18, 2015 at 8:35 pmHaha the little ones always want big brother’s or big sister’s things 🙂 That’s great though that he’s modeling such a kind thing to do.
Becky, Cuddle Fairy says
June 18, 2015 at 2:50 pmWonderful tips! I love modeling sharing for the kids – they really soak up everything they see their parents doing! And not to label things as mine or yours. Great ideas x
Nina says
June 18, 2015 at 8:50 pmThanks so much Becky! It’s true, modeling behavior is probably the most important and effective way to teach a lesson.
Rea says
June 20, 2015 at 9:52 pmThe values brought about by sharing are extremely important! In my case, my son is always very happy to share his food to anyone but when it comes to his toys, he’s very possessive. He would say “no that’s me (mine)” and would cry when someone takes his toys away from him. That’s most likely what we need to work on.
Nina says
June 21, 2015 at 1:21 pmYep, same here. My kids are more likely to share their food than toys!
Tarana Khan says
June 20, 2015 at 11:46 pmGreat tips! I also believe that sharing should not be forced. At the same time, the concept of communal toys would really help toddlers share. It can be a bit challenging with only children, though.
Nina says
June 21, 2015 at 1:24 pmYup, that’s why it’s so helpful to practice sharing with parents too. We parents are suckers for kids and bend down to their whims lol. When they share with us and we praise them, that seems to help reinforce the idea.
Lisa (mummascribbles) says
June 22, 2015 at 12:55 amGreat tips here. We are only just really starting out with this. Zachary has been at nursery since he was 1 (not full time), and I really think it has helped him to learn sharing. That said, there is the odd issue, especially when it’s something of his that issues arise. Will be using this advice to keep it in check! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Nina says
June 22, 2015 at 10:00 pmHaving others to share with has been good for our kids too. Obviously my twins have to by default but with my eldest, taking him to play dates and library events was also good practice.
Janina Sarah says
August 22, 2018 at 7:54 amA lot of the tips are great. Here’s a different point of view: No teaching needed.
“She refuses to part with a toy even though she’s had it long enough.” Who decides she’s had it long enough? In my experience there is no need to “teach” children to share. Most children under 3 are psychologically unable to share as their sense of identity and empathy are still lacking. Teaching them is pretty much just that- training through conditioning, which works, just like it does with dogs and rats. They do it because it gets rewarded, not because there’s an understanding behind it.
Sharing MUST come from the heart. Think about situation when you share. Why do you do it? It’s a natural development that evolves and gets rewarded intrinsically – if I share something, my friend is happy.
Teaching sharing (as in conditioning) creates possessiveness and obsessive turn taking for the sake of owing the toy/ being in control. Truly respecting children means to acknowledge and respect the time they need for an activity/ with a particular toy. I’m not saying we should ignore the other children feelings! Quite the opposite. Foster empathy by saying things along the line of “yes, he is having a long turn, and you really want to go on the swing as well. It’s frustrating isn’t it?” (offer hugs, sit and wait) “You can ask him to be next, once he’s done with his turn. Would you like to do that?” To the child on the swing “XY is quite upset because she wants to go on the swing as well and finds it difficult to wait for her turn. Just let her know once you are done.” Believe it or not, it takes all the pressure away. The children know they have the right to use things once the other person is done even though it might take a while (and it doesn’t once they know they don’t have to be anxious about giving it up against their will).
I’m an ECE teacher and new kids from other day care facilities always struggle with this when they come to us. They are used to adults regulating the “taking turn situation”. Very quickly children (age 3 and up) start sharing all by themselves because THEY WANT TO. Just like you want to buy your friend a cup of coffee because she’s your friend. Or like I share a few pieces of my pineapple with the children and my colleague at lunch.
Relax folks, how much do you really share with your neighbour? 😉 Some provoking thoughts: Is the amount of sharing we expect from our small children a factual representation of how our society works? Because wherever I look everything is “mine”, “his” or “hers” (starting with our house, clothes, food,…) and whoever owns it has the right to share or not to share. And that’s fine 🙂 Why “teach” children to share their -in our eyes- rather meaningless toys?
Nina Garcia says
August 22, 2018 at 1:23 pmLove your points, Janina! You’ll definitely want to check out this article I wrote as well: https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/2012/02/22/why-kids-shouldnt-be-forced-to-share/ all about the points you make above. Couldn’t agree more on raising kids who want to share, and that young children aren’t wired to share just yet (they think everything is literally theirs for the taking). I’d love to share your insights in a future email newsletter if you don’t mind. I’m certain a lot of parents will get a lot out of it!