Do time outs really work? Many parents use time outs to discipline, but here’s why time outs don’t work and what to do instead.
You hear it all the time: If your child misbehaves, put him in time out.
He’ll learn those actions aren’t tolerated, and that consequences follow his misbehavior. You can even consult charts that suggest how many minutes per age to put him in time out. My kids’ own pediatrician recommended this method.
Except… I’m not buying it.
You see, the more I researched and learned about time outs, the more I realized that time outs can cause more harm than good.
And that, if anyone should get a time out during a heated moment, it should be us, the parents.
Walking away to another room or counting down a minute to collect ourselves is far better than lashing out and losing our cool. But to send our kids to time out is not the best strategy, especially if we want them to learn valuable lessons about their behavior and choices.
Why time outs don’t work and what to do instead
So, why don’t time outs work? After all, we hear about them so often, whether from other parenting resources, on television, our friends and family. We may have even grown up with time outs and figure we turned out all right.
But there’s more to time outs than we think. Not only are they an ineffective method in the long run, they also don’t serve our kids well.
Take a look at these compelling reasons why time outs don’t work. More importantly, learn what you can do instead of a time out that will strengthen your relationship with your child:
1. Time outs isolate children
Of course, you might say. That’s the point, right? Punishment means removing the things kids enjoy. No people, no toys, no fun. Sit and learn your lesson.
Except… they’re not learning their lesson.
Alone in that corner, your child isn’t thinking about why she shouldn’t have hit her baby sister.She doesn’t realize it’s her actions—and not her as a person—that needs to change. Nor does she reassure herself that her feelings are valid, or that she’s loved no matter what.
No, she’s still fuming at the unfairness of it all. She doesn’t understand why she’s punished when her baby sister ruined her building blocks. She might even think she’s a bad person for deserving this time out.
Why? She has nobody talking to her about these issues. She’s all by herself.
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2. Time outs don’t acknowledge your child’s feelings
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When we send our kids to time out, we overlook the underlying and valid reason they acted up in the first place. I refer to this as “honoring the impulse,” a term coined in the book, Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Laura Davis.
For instance, my toddler had a horrible habit of hitting others. My first reaction was to isolate him. Hitting warrants an extreme reaction, I reasoned.
Except I didn’t address my son’s frustration. In his mind, he was hitting his brother because he didn’t want his toy taken away and had no other way to say so. Hitting is never the appropriate way to express frustration, but in sending my son to a time out, I didn’t acknowledge the underlying reason. For all I know, he might think he gets time outs whenever he gets upset.
We don’t get to ask ourselves whether their misbehavior was normal when we whisk them off to a time out. We don’t realize that hitting, no matter how inappropriate, is still common for toddlers, or we forget that he skipped a nap and was feeling tired.
These aren’t excuses for hitting, but understanding the motive reveals that his frustration was valid.
Time outs also embarrass kids. Making kids feel bad—whether through embarrassment or punishment—isn’t the goal of discipline. The goals include things like learning acceptable conduct. Regulating her emotions. Following directions. Not feeling terrible about themselves.
Learn what to do when your child hits others.
3. Kids learn that negative feelings should be ignored
The biggest mistake we make with our kids’ emotions? We place judgment on them. We embrace our kids when they’re happy, excited and in a good mood, but send them off on their own when they’re angry, frustrated or sad.
Time outs teach kids that negative emotions should be hushed or ignored, not sorted or dealt with. We tell our kids, “If you’re going to be that loud, then go cry in your room.” All because we don’t want to sit with them during their sadder moments.
And we repress and label certain emotions as bad instead of for what they are: They’re feelings that come and go. Nor do they define who we are—we feel bad, we’re not bad people.
See how you may be judging your child’s emotions.
4. Kids don’t learn to regulate their emotions
During time outs, kids don’t have us nearby to help them regulate their emotions. We can’t discuss their feelings, or reassure them that unsettling feelings are normal and will go away. Kids don’t learn to take deep breaths or feel comforted by a nursery song or a beloved stuffed animal.
They don’t learn those coping methods when they’re sitting on a chair away from us and any comfort items they could use.
Read more about alternatives to time outs.
What to do when time outs don’t work
What then is an alternative to time out for discipline? If time outs aren’t effective, how can we discipline when time-outs don’t work?
- Have a time in. When your child misbehaves to the point where you’re drawn to implement a time out, draw him in instead. This is the time he needs you most. Not just when he’s chipper and happy, but when he’s sad, angry and confused. In connecting with our kids, we can see their point of view. We’re better able to decide whether their misbehavior was developmentally appropriate or not.
- Correct your child’s behavior. You can also follow these four steps when your child misbehaves: 1) Label the emotion. 2) Honor the impulse. 3) Establish limits. 4) Teach the correct behavior. For example: “Looks like you’re tired and upset (labeling her emotions) because you don’t like the food mama gave you (honoring the impulse), but we don’t throw food on the floor (establishing limits). Next time you don’t like the food, just leave it on the table (teaching the correct behavior).”
- Sometimes you don’t even have to talk. Your child can be in such a meltdown that he can’t listen or doesn’t want you to hold him close. In this case, stay nearby and say, “Mama’s right here to help you if you want” and try reaching out again in a few minutes. At least he knows he’s not alone with his emotions. That you won’t abandon him when he misbehaves or when he’s feeling terrible.
- Let your cry to you. My kids calm down much faster when I say, “Mama’s right here. You can cry to me,” than when I lose my temper. They know I’m on their side and I’m here to help. They need compassion and comfort, not distance and isolation.
- Redirect their actions if possible. Your daughter threw the heavy toy truck towards the glass window? Correct the behavior and show her a similar but more appropriate way to do so. “Throwing is cool, but we can’t throw heavy toys because they can break things. Here, throw this soft ball instead.”
Why we’re too quick to put our kids in time out
Why do we resort to time outs right away?
The first reason is because we react. Maintaining composure after our kids misbehave is hard. We lose our temper and throw our own tantrum. We have bad days that have nothing to do with them (tired from work, worries about our finances), but still take it out on them.
And the second reason is a false belief that love rewards misbehavior.
We assume that kids will continue to misbehave when we give them attention. Except you’re not letting them “get away with it” when you comfort your kids. Letting them continue to throw food and hit other kids sends that message.
Instead you guide and love him even through his lows, not just when he’s happy and behaving. We can’t withhold our love as a form of punishment.
Conclusion
Time outs have been around for a while, but that doesn’t make them effective. Sure, you might stop the unwanted behavior right quickly, but they learn to obey out of fear and threats, and can even resent you for enforcing the rules.
We lose so many opportunities to show our kids the right way to behave. We isolate them at the time they need us the most, and they don’t learn how to regulate their emotions so they stop misbehaving in the long run.
Instead, draw your child in. You’re not letting her get away with misbehavior—you’re still going to enforce those rules, but you’re there to comfort, guide and support. Correct her behavior by talking about why it’s inappropriate, as well as teaching her better alternatives.
And be present for your child, no matter her behavior. After all, she needs your love through thick and through thin, through good behavior or not.
Get more tips:
- Parenting Doesn’t Have to Be So Overwhelming
- A Better but Not Always Easier Alternative to Timeouts
- How to Stop Siblings from Fighting and Teach Conflict Resolution Instead
- The Surprisingly Simple Question You Should Always Ask Yourself before Disciplining Your Child
- How to Discipline a Toddler Who Doesn’t Listen
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I agree that time outs aren’t really effective. Sometimes I still use them, but like you said they’re more for me to calm down than anything. “Mama’s right here. You can cry to me,” is great verbiage. I’ll be stealing it. 🙂
Steal away!
And yes, I found that time-outs are most effective to curb our own craziness instead of as a learning tool for the kids.
Just this weekend, the Husband reminded me of when T was just entering the terrible twos and we were both wondering if there was any point to the time outs. We’re still advocates of time out, but I’ve become better about reminding why the time out happened and why it’s not good. I like the idea of offering an alternative behavior too.
The “why” should help! At least for my kids, they like knowing that I’m not just being a big meanie about it but that there’s a reason why they’re being disciplined 🙂
Hi Nina,
I do use Time Outs but I agree they are more for me than Mushroom! When I am patient and look for the cause of his behaviour it’s usually much easier to work with him to manage it than to punish him for what is usually – as you say – simply age appropriate behaviour that he is still learning to manage himself.
Thanks for the reminder!
Right on, Rachael!
I have never liked time outs, and it is nice to have the research agreeing with my instincts. They were considered the go-to parenting technique when my first two kids were toddlers, and while I tried it a few times it always bothered me and never seemed to work. I do a lot of preventative parenting to avoid escalated situations, and when meltdowns do happen I find that hugs work wonders, as does talking about what happened once a child has calmed down enough to have a discussion. We work on labeling emotions when we aren’t upset, as well, so that those tools are available when we need them!
Like you, I didn’t think to do time-outs when my kiddo was that age, even before the research. It felt like how kids get “grounded.” Yes there’s punishment, but then what?
It was actually your book recommendation of Peaceful Parenting that spelled out what I thought in my mind all this time, so thank you!
I try to use time-outs infrequently because like you said, they don’t work. I guess the threat of going to his room works ok but really doesn’t address the root. I like your advice to draw them in, recognize their feelings, and come up with a solution together. Gotta remember this when I just want to scream at the kid instead and be mad at him for being mad.
We’ve all been there Lisa. Just today I had to catch myself from losing my temper with my toddler, all just because he was being whiny. I realized he needed me most at this time, and he needed me to be patient and kind, not annoyed (even though he was being annoying).
I agree that timeouts aren’t always effective, but they do have their place. I think parents can do everything you described and still put their kids in a timeout for a misbehavior. I don’t agree that there’s always a reason for misbehavior like hitting. I have watched my son hit is sister for NO reason. Seriously, none. He has been outside with her when she did nothing to start anything, he looked up at the window to see if we were watching (he couldn’t see us, so he thought we weren’t) and then whacked her over the head with his plastic baseball bat. As one of my friends put it, sometimes kids are just little sh*ts. And I completely agree with that.
I think I’m definitely in the minority of people who don’t use time outs (even our pediatrician recommends it so I know it’s very popular!). I do wonder though what was going on in your son’s mind when he whacked his sister lol. I still believe that there’s a reason to everything, and that acting up doesn’t always involve being instigated to do something (for instance, your daughter didn’t have to do anything to incite his reaction). Maybe your son was upset at his sister for getting attention, or wanted to see if it would hurt to get hit by a bat. It’s weird how they think, but yeah, not cool for siblings to be hitting each other. 🙂
I’m left at a loss of how to deal with situations like that. He’s 4.5 and he totally knows he’s not supposed to hit, so he’s making a deliberate choice to do something wrong when he does it. That’s where I felt the Peaceful Parenting book came up short. It left me with a lot of what I shouldn’t do, but not a lot of what I should. I definitely don’t feel like I should just pull him in and give him a hug when he does something like that and if I’m not supposed to give him a time out, I really don’t know what I should do.
I hear you Laura. In fact, I think my first reaction if I saw my kid (also close to 5yo) do that to his little brother would be to ask, “Why’d you do that?”
At that point though, since he would probably be calm or quiet, I don’t think I’d send him to his room. I’d tell him, “We don’t hit. When you do that, it hurts your little brother,” or something to that effect. Use that moment to lay down the rule instead of sending him off. Either way, he knows he did something wrong, but at least with telling him, he’d know why.
But as always with this parenting biz, every kid, parent and situation is different. There’s never a one-size-fits-all rule when it comes to these things! 🙂
Love this post – I actually find time outs to be quite ineffective for my 3yo and LOOOOVE the idea of having other ways to handle these situations!! Will pull this out the next time he does something where I feel I must act (usually, I just “ignore” — if he yells or something like that, I just don’t acknowledge). But if he hits me? I feel I must say or do SOMETHING – but don’t love the time out idea or feel it really works.
Rebecca you’d be surprised at how often “ignoring” has worked for me too! It’s not so much ignoring as basically not making a huge deal about it, at least when it’s really not. But yeah, if it escalates, then I have to draw them in. Because sometimes I feel like they act up because they know they get attention that way. My way of countering that is to realize that their acting up means something is off and they probably need some genuine mama and daddy time before they explode lol.
To each their own as there all parents/children are different. However, I do believe in time-out. MY OWN downfall is inconsistency, which is most common, I believe. The KEY to a successful time-out (aside from consistency) IS to talk to your child about WHY he/she was in time-out….not just to do the time and send them on their merry little way, followed by a hug. It does work for most that use it. If consistent, that is. :/
Awesome, thanks for chiming in! I love hearing how different methods work for different families. That’s great you’re aware of what you need to make it work (consistency) as it seems to contribute to the success of the time outs!
I love that- “honoring the impulse”. You did an excellent job laying out all the different ways to look at time outs and the importance of acknowledging the perceptions and feelings of littles. thank you!
Thanks so much Amy! Yes, I love ‘honor the impulse’ — read that from Being the Parent You Want to Be, one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read.
What if the behavior continues?
Have to admit that they didn’t really work for me, so I found this very interesting!
Thanks Seana.
I think that time-outs are a useful place to teach calming down technics and have a safe place for discussion and instruction.
When my 2 year-old daughter takes my infant sons toy from him and says “mine” and then hits him on the head with it… she is put in a time out chair and we tell her “no hitting and no swiping”, and we put a timer on, if she is crying we help her “breath” and calm down, we go over and discuss her behavior and then if she understands what went wrong we wait for the timer to beep and get her down, have her correct it and then she gets affirmation from us that she is making the right choices now.
When I start to get frustrated my 2 year old comes over and says “Breath — Aaahhh” to get me to calm down 🙂
Those are awesome tips, Summer! And yes, it’s a time-out but seems very much like a time-in with your engagement and using it as a way to self-soothe and learn from the moment. I like how you’ve really emphasized breathing and regulating, too!
I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl that are 13 months apart. (I’m sure with your twins you have many of the same issues I do). I do use time outs along with other forms of punishment, however, I think that many moms don’t realize that children will almost ANYTHING to get your attention, be it good attention or bad attention (IE: time outs) I always do my best to sit down with both kids after punishment or praise to explain why it has happened. Because of that, even at the ages of 2 and 3 they have begun punishing and praising each other!!! Its actually quite humorous to watch and listen to. They sit in timeout together, and share prizes for being good! It has been proven that children learn more in the first 5 years than the whole rest of their lives, so treat them like people and watch the amazing results!
Sam it’s so true that children will respond to the kind of attention we give. So if we only pay them attention when they misbehave, then they’ll find ways to misbehave. I think you’re doing great by discussing their actions with them! And yes, my kids totally discipline each other sometimes but I try not to let them do that (“That’s my job” I tell them). Still, it’s so hilarious sometimes!
I believe that time outs are effective as long as you talk with the child before and after. Before the time out, you need to tell them what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and an acceptable alternative. After the time out, you should remind them what you don’t want them to do again, make sure they know you still love them, and then release them. If you do time outs like this, they are much more effective. I learned this in my Child Development class at school.
Oh awesome Randi, thanks for sharing! I think that’s an effective way of handling misbehavior. I tend to do the same but minus the sending them away part. I love that you talk to them before and after about their behavior and reassuring them that you love them no matter what. Great advice!
You made a mistake in “Here throw this soft ball, instead”. This us encouraging them to throw things when one is angry. This is not acceptable.
Thanks for your comment, Nona! I agree—throwing things when angry is unacceptable. In the article above, I was describing a situation where kids are playing in general, and that if they want to throw a toy for fun, that’s fine, they just need to play with appropriate toys that won’t break things. Thanks again for the comment though—I’ll make sure to revise the article for more clarity 🙂