5 Unusual Ways to Deal with a Defiant 3 Year Old
Are you struggling with a defiant 3 year old? In this article, let’s look at 5 unusual ways to discipline your child and turn things around.
Your 3 year old’s behavior is out of control. He purposefully does something he’s not allowed to do, like putting stickers on the coffee table (which never come off) or hitting his sister. He’ll throw a toy car across the room and not think anything wrong with it.
You’ve tried time-outs and confiscating toys and privileges. You’ve even spoken to him in a firm tone of voice and explained why his behavior is inappropriate. Except he shrugs it off and goes right back to doing it again.
You’re not alone, friend. The longer I’ve been a parent, the more I can see why popular but misleading parenting tips don’t work. You see, being a parent isn’t about “fixing” kids or dealing with surface issues. The quicker we can change that mindset, the healthier and more peaceful parenting can be.
Take a look at these five unusual ways to think about parenting and help you deal with your defiant 3 year old. I hope you find it just as useful as these parents did:
1. See yourselves as being on the same side
The trouble with parenting is that we see ourselves as being on the opposite side of our kids. When they don’t listen, we up the ante with punishments, consequences, and stern talking-to’s.
Except where does that get us? And is that really a fair balance, especially when we know who’s going to “win” (hint: us)? We’re out to triumph when we’re in “battle mode,” sometimes at all costs.
Instead, see yourself as being on the same side as your child. Think of yourself as a teacher and she as your student. A teacher wouldn’t try to prove her student wrong or come out “right.” No—she wants to guide and see her do well. They’re on the same side.
Get in teacher mode and think about your goals, which probably don’t include “winning” arguments or showing your child who’s boss.
After all, discipline is nothing more than teaching, not punishment or stern consequences. It’s offering guidance, like improving her communication skills or coping with anxiety.
When you’re faced with a challenge, don’t see it as yet another epic war to battle through but as a teachable moment. One where you can both learn something new, with her best interest at the forefront.
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2. Change your thoughts about you and your child
You’d be amazed at how powerful your thoughts and expectations can affect your environment. You might even harbor limiting beliefs that lead to your child’s defiance, even if you say you want to change.
For instance, what expectations do you have of him? How do you see him as a person? Are you already bracing for his next misbehavior before the morning even starts?
He will behave according to what you expect from him, but whether those expectations are set high or low is up to you. Already believing he’s a “troublemaker” or different from your other kids sets a strong message to both of you.
But imagine how different he’ll behave if you wipe that slate clean and expect him to behave and treat others well. Maybe you’ll change the way you talk to him or stop using words like, “You always make things so difficult!”
Instead, you’ll see him as the rambunctious boy who sees joy in the little things or who makes friends easily at the park. He’s the one with a wild imagination and amazing problem-solving skills and treats others with respect.
And this change in expectations doesn’t just apply to him. The way you think about yourself also sets the stage for how you interact with him. Do you tell yourself you’re always stressed and angry? That you’re not strong enough to handle his defiance, that you’re making mistake after mistake?
These words and the way you think affect your confidence and belief in yourself. From time to time, you will feel stressed and angry and you may crumble when faced with a challenge. But change your internal dialogue, and you’ll also change how you respond to your child.
3. Change how you start your day
The way you start your day can have a huge impact on how you deal with a defiant 3 year old. The more intentional you can be with setting expectations for your day, the more positive you can feel.
For instance, do you wake up groggy and bitter that you didn’t get enough sleep? If so, you’re already thinking about what you lack—time spent sleeping—instead of thinking about all the possibilities the day can bring.
Are you dreading something bad will happen? You might gloss over all the positive things that happen because your mind is already on the lookout for the few negative ones.
But if you focus on the positives and all that you’re grateful for, then that’s what your mind will zero in on and see more of. We notice what we tell ourselves, whether good or bad. Focus on the good.
One simple change is to go to sleep and wake up earlier. You’ll have time for yourself to be present and collect your thoughts long before the rest of the family is awake.
You might also wake up feeling grateful for all that you have instead of grumpy about the tasks ahead of you. Use this time to remind yourself of your role as a parent so you’re better equipped with the patience you’ll need when you feel challenged.
4. Don’t own your child’s problems
Despite what you might think, your child isn’t out to get you. He’s not sitting in his room plotting how to get you angry or devising ways to disobey.
But he does respond to your actions and behaviors, especially when he has roused a strong reaction in you. He’s curious and trying to make sense of the world, including how his parents respond to testing limits.
It’s so easy to “bite the bait” and fall for it, too. Not hanging up his backpack like you asked him to morphs into an argument over why he doesn’t get a snack until he does what he’s told. You argue, yell, and cry for far longer than you’d hoped for.
All over a backpack.
Now, I’m all for being consistent, especially when it comes to your daily routine, but you also need to ask yourself whether this is even your problem to begin with. Instead, show him that “you’ve got this.” Don’t overreact, especially over issues that, in the end, have very little to do with you. What do I mean by that?
Let’s say he doesn’t want to put his favorite toy away despite you explaining that he’s less likely to lose it if he puts it back in the same place. Let the consequence of losing it be the lesson he needed to learn. Putting a toy away has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
But let’s say he’s not getting ready quick enough in the morning to get out of the house on time. His behavior directly affects you because then you’re late for work. That becomes an appropriate time to step in, more so than arguing about putting a toy away.
5. Redefine “success”
What does a good day with your child mean to you? Is it when she obeys and listens without any nagging? That you didn’t fight and no one cried? Is it a “successful” day when you had no tantrums that stressed you out or meltdowns that made you late?
Yes, those days are awesome and certainly easy. But I encourage you to redefine what you think of as a good day. You might think of a good parenting day as anything that makes life easy… for you.
But as we all know, raising kids isn’t about raising robots who do as they’re told. Life would definitely be easy that way, wouldn’t it? But you wouldn’t be fulfilling your role as a parent if that were the case.
Because those “bad parenting days” when your child threw tantrums or cried all the way to school were hard, but they could also have provided some of the best lessons she’s had and even the bonding both of you needed.
Success might mean she learned to compromise and developed empathy for how others feel. Or she found ways to soothe herself from feeling upset, learned to apologize to her sister, or felt true remorse for her actions.
Change how you think of success—it’s not just about making sure all is happy and fuzzy. A successful parenting day could also come during some of the hardest times you experience.
Final thoughts
It’s never easy to admit problems with your child’s behavior, especially when nothing you’ve tried in the past seems to have worked. But now you know the changes you need to make at a deeper level—even as you find yet another sticker slapped on your coffee table.
Get more tips:
- If Your 3 Year Old Tantrums Every Day, Try These Methods
- What to Do When Your 3 Year Old Says No to Everything
- How to Give Consequences for Kids
- When Your Child Ruins Everyone’s Day
- How to Deal with an Ungrateful Child
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