How to Raise Twins When You Already Have a Singleton
Expecting twins is challenging enough as it is—how do you cope when you have an older child as well? In this article, let’s learn all about raising twins after a singleton.
Before I knew I was having twins, I was barely adjusting to the idea of even raising two kids, much less three. I had no idea if I could handle it and wondered how in the world other twin moms survived this stage.
Having twins after a singleton is a unique situation. On one hand, you know the temporary exhaustion of the newborn stage eventually goes away. But you’re now dealing with two babies on top of the toddler you also have.
Thankfully, surviving twins along with a singleton is possible—all without feeling depleted or miserable. How? Follow these tips to help you and your older child transition to life with twins:
Table of Contents
Keep your older child occupied while you’re with twins
It’s tough being tied to your twins while nursing, pumping, or holding two bottles. You might be rocking one baby while hoping the other won’t wake up because of your toddler. And you can’t exactly stop what you’re doing if your older child needs you. What can you do?
- Give him tasks to do. Encourage him to fill his big brother role by asking for his help. He can put diapers in the diaper box, sort socks, or tidy his toys.
- Read together. Have him sit next to you while you feed the babies. He can turn the pages of a book while you read the words aloud.
- Give a time frame. Ease his anxiety and reassure him that you’ll be with him soon. Explain that you’ll play with him in 15 minutes, right after the babies drink their bottles.
- Ask him to entertain the babies. While you nurse or change the babies’ diapers, he can talk to them, shake rattles, sing songs, make funny faces, or show them his favorite stuffed animal.
- Encourage bonding among all three. He can snuggle with his twin siblings, caressing their arms and legs and kissing the tops of their heads.
- Gather new toys and items he can tinker with while you’re busy. These can be simple toys or even household items. When it’s time to feed or put the babies to sleep, introduce a new item to keep him busy.
Free printables: Want to make sure you get everything you need done for your twin pregnancy? Join my newsletter and grab your Twin Pregnancy Checklist! Now you’ll know which tasks you need to take care of before the twins arrive. Get it below—at no cost to you:
Encourage independent play
I’ve long been a fan of independent play.
For one thing, kids need time to explore on their own. They can’t expand their wings if we’re there cramping their space every second. Allow your older child to question, make mistakes, and choose the direction he wants to explore. He’ll know when to come back to you.
Second, your kids need time with one another. You know those cute videos of twins laughing with one another? My twins only did that when adults weren’t around (or at least they didn’t think we were around).
Meanwhile, I was able to put the dishes away, knowing that this moment may not have happened if I was nearby.
And finally, kids playing on their own is good for you. Parents feel pressured to always engage with their kids and sometimes we get bored and get burned out. The guilt that we’re not doing a good job when we’re not with our kids is an unrealistic demand.
Empathize with your older child
Your older child will test your patience—there’s no doubt about that. Her behavior can start as early as the last few months of your twin pregnancy when you’re extra tired and changes in the home are more obvious. And it’s likely to peak during the early weeks with the twins.
I lost my patience a lot more during those short few months than I ever did all the three years with my singleton. How can you manage caring for the twins and meeting your older child’s needs?
Show empathy. Yes, it’s hard, especially as she disobeys, regresses, or says outright hurtful words to you. You’re more likely to react and yell, drag her by the arm, and tell her to stay in her room.
But, as challenging as adjusting to life with twins is for you, it’s even harder for her. She doesn’t know how to manage emotions as well as you and I do, and the defiance and regression stem from her own vulnerability and confusion.
In short, she needs you.
So, when she acts up or misbehaves, don’t think of it as another hassle to solve or a personal attack. Instead, remind yourself that she needs help managing her emotions. Just as your newborn twins need you when they’re hungry, so too does your singleton when she’s upset.
In showing empathy, you curb the behavior more effectively in the long run. And more importantly, you’re letting her know you’re still her mom, regardless of the twins.
Spend time with your older child
Here’s the rough part. As limited in time as you already are, it’s important for you to spend time alone with your older child. He needs to feel like he still has you in his life and that the twins haven’t replaced his special place in your heart.
You don’t have to do anything grand—a simple game, a snuggle on the couch, or a quick walk around the block will do.
Until now, my eldest still remembers when he and I went to a coffee shop, which was our first outing together after the twins were born. He can recall exactly what he ordered and where we sat because that outing meant so much to him.
Connecting with your child for as little as 10 minutes can prevent tantrums and whining. Take advantage of the times your twins are napping to be with him. These special times, no matter how short, could be all he needs to know that everything is still all right.
Tend to your older child first
The crying newborn (or two) or the crying toddler—whom do you go to first? The older one.
For one thing, she’ll remember more of this than either of the twins. While your babies might feel upset for waiting, your older child will have a clearer memory of it.
You also don’t want to send the message that she’ll always have to wait or that the twins get the attention first all the time. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean her needs always come second (or third).
And by default, you’re already prioritizing your twins most of the time anyway because they’re more dependent on you. Share this priority with your eldest from time to time. You can give all your kids attention and balance their needs by remembering that your older child’s are as important as the twins’.
Give your older child an “out”
I enrolled my eldest in preschool a few months before the twins arrived and he was able to adjust to school by the time they were born. School became a place just for him—an escape from the madness at home.
Hearing the babies’ cries, the lack of attention, and the change in routine were difficult for him to handle. Going to school gave him the predictability he craved.
Whether it’s preschool, lessons, day camp, or grandma’s house, providing your child with a regular outing helps him reclaim a space that’s his. A place that isn’t tainted by anything baby-related. Where he can get away from the constant “Be quiet, they’re sleeping,” and be free to explore on his own.
His routine also provides you with a breather. Since my eldest stopped napping, I wasn’t able to rest even if the twins were. With him in school, I had one less child to care for and could use those hours to rest or get things done.
Just make sure your child enjoys these outings. If he returns from grandma’s house more upset, he may see these activities as time away from the family or being sent away.
Don’t make your singleton “special” because of the twins
I first made the mistake of telling my child he was special because he was going to be a big brother to twins. I figured he needed an extra reason to love his brothers. Being a big brother to twins would set him apart, wouldn’t it? Make him extra special?
Instead, it backfired. You see, he’s special not because of his twin brothers, but because of who he is—period. Making the twins the reason he’s special would place his value on them, not on himself. He’s special, whether he has twin babies, one baby, or no baby.
I stopped saying he was special for having twin brothers and instead made having twins an exciting change to look forward to. “We’re going to have two babies—isn’t that neat?” I would say, and leave it at that, with no mention of how special or lucky he was.
And don’t refer to the twins as “the twins” 24/7. This is fine in moderation, but done too often and your older child will see a divide between him and his new siblings.
Instead, encourage them to get along, even from a young age. He’ll develop his own special connection and treat each twin as individuals, not lumped together as “the twins.” Each twin is more likely to develop their own unique relationship with their older sibling.
Lower your standards
One of the most reassuring messages I repeated to myself was: this is temporary.
The bathroom mirrors will have watermarks and the sinks will be piled with dishes. You won’t eat freshly-cooked dinners every night and instead rely on take-out, frozen food, or donated meals. Your daily attire will be nursing tops, yoga pants, and wet hair cinched into a bun.
And that’s okay for now.
Set your expectations lower than usual because your household will feel chaotic. Adding extra chores and the guilt for not maintaining your norm can make you miserable. Realize that this is temporary and normal. In a matter of months, you’ll adjust and resume your standard of living.
Keep things organized
With an older child, staying organized becomes even more important. Sure, you can eat dinner much later, but your 3 year old is going to want her meals when she always does. Maintaining regularity will also keep her anxieties at bay and help her get through this stage.
Here are a few ways to organize and prepare:
- Cook the night before. You’re not left with all three kids as you scramble around the kitchen 30 minutes before dinner time.
- Cut, dice, and serve food a few minutes before dinner or snack time. Once your child is hungry, her plate is ready to go.
- Get bath- and bedtime items ready throughout the evening. At bath time, have everyone’s pajamas, diapers, milk, and towels set.
- Pack diaper bags long before you step out of the house. Expect the needs of your day and pack any supplies or food for your errands and outings. Pack the stroller with your sunglasses, keys, and phone if you plan to take them for a walk soon. Better yet, pack these items after you’ve returned home from an outing so you don’t have to think about them as you’re about to leave the next time.
- Take advantage of nap times. This is the blessed time to prepare for when the babies wake up, get things done around the house, spend time with your singleton, or relax.
- Batch-prepare her snacks and meals. If you’re going to slice an apple, slice a few more to serve for tomorrow.
Ask for help
Now more than ever will you need help.
A long-term helper is ideal because that person becomes familiar with your daily routine. She knows when and how to change the diapers and feed the babies. She’s familiar with your singleton’s preferences and where to grab the yogurt he likes.
You don’t need to give as much direction because she has become part of the household.
If someone isn’t able to stay for several days or weeks, weekend visits would be the next best thing. Friends and family can drop off food and grocery staples, or pass down outgrown baby clothes and gear.
Final thoughts
You’ve already been through this at least once with your eldest. You’re no longer a first-time parent and have learned a thing or two the first time around. Still, being a twin parent will be a new experience with its own challenges, especially as you juggle them with your older child as well.
With the tips above, you’ll be able to handle the transition from one to three. And when you start feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that life will work out, as it always has.
Get more tips:
- Preparing for Twins: A Checklist of Everything You Need to Do
- 5 Signs That Labor Is Near with Twins
- How to Take Care of Twins (And Still Get Stuff Done)
- Surprising Costs of Raising Twins
- How to Be Out with Twins Alone (And Actually Survive!)
Free printables: Want to make sure you get everything you need done for your twin pregnancy? Join my newsletter and grab your Twin Pregnancy Checklist! Now you’ll know which tasks you need to take care of before the twins arrive. Get it below—at no cost to you:
