How to Cope When Your Husband Doesn’t Help with the Baby Because He Works
Feeling resentful when your husband doesn’t help with the baby because he works? Learn how to resolve this issue and work as a team again.
A shower. Running an errand. Even taking a 30-minute break from everything. These are all starting to feel like luxuries you practically have to pull teeth to get, except it’s not because you’re alone. It’s because your husband doesn’t help the baby.
He won’t change diapers unless you ask, and even then, gives you a hard time about it. You can’t get him to clean, cook meals, or help with the laundry. You have no idea how to get things done with a baby when all the tasks fall on you.
Letting this fester too long isn’t good for anyone involved, including the baby. Take a look at these tips to turn things around and get you both back on track:
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Give your husband time alone with the baby
One reason your husband doesn’t help with the baby may be because he hasn’t had much practice to do so. Rather than face the disappointment and frustration of, say, not being able to soothe the baby to sleep, he assumes that you can do it better. It doesn’t help if the baby only wants you and cries with him.
The problem, however, is that he doesn’t have a chance to practice those skills and bond with the baby. The more the baby fusses, the less he wants to participate. But this lack of practice is exactly what causes the baby to fuss and cry with him in the first place.
The solution? Give them time alone.
Yes, it’s going to be messy. But remember when you were learning what to do? Now he has to go through the same challenges himself. Let him care for the baby—if anything, it’s better than doing nothing and fostering resentment.
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Listen to your husband’s struggles
Take a step back and put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Is he a new father struggling to keep up with the pressure of being a dad while working a stressful, full-time job? He might have a difficult time finding the support he needs in his new role.
Perhaps he stumbles with identifying the baby’s cues when he’s away from home for over 40 hours a week. Switching from high-pressure work to soothing a baby isn’t always easy, and he may not have many people to talk to or resources to turn to.
Maybe he works long hours or manual labor, leaving him depleted at the end of the day. With no energy left to help, he’s simply too exhausted to physically or mentally be helpful. He might be the sole provider for the family, which makes quitting or looking for a new job more difficult.
All that to say, sometimes the best way to get his help is through empathetic communication. Let him know you understand that he’s under a lot of pressure. Acknowledge that he doesn’t have as many opportunities to get to know the baby as much as he would like.
And encourage him when he does his best, even if it’s not the way you would do it. He’s more likely to get involved when he feels heard, and you’ll likely receive the same support in return.
Be clear on who does what
Let’s say you want to have specific tasks set for each person. If so, sit down with your husband and write down the division of labor. Do this when you’re both calm and not when you’re about to ask for something.
Write particular chores and who’ll do what. For instance, you’ll be the one to breastfeed the baby while he changes diapers at night. If one parent cooks a meal, the other washes the dishes. Maybe you alternate night wakings—you handle Sundays through Thursdays while he takes care of the weekends.
That way, you both feel like you’re contributing your best selves to the household and dividing household chores fairly.
Don’t micromanage
Do you re-load the dishwasher because your husband set the plates north-south (instead of east-west like you usually do)? Are you prone to snatching the baby away from him when he can’t get her to stop crying?
Part of the reason he might not be willing to help is that you’ve criticized his efforts in the past. He can only take so much correcting and nagging before tuning out.
Let’s say you decide to leave them alone to run an errand. Don’t give him a hard time if he couldn’t get the baby to nap or ask why he mixed the cereal with water instead of breastmilk. He’ll make mistakes, just as you did when you were learning these same steps. So long as he’s trying his best, let most of it go.
Put “his” chores aside
With dinner prepared and his laundry washed and ironed, who could blame your husband for not wanting to change the situation? No wonder you barely have time to take a shower or make yourself a cup of tea when these chores are at the forefront.
But what if you put his chores aside and prioritize yours and the baby’s?
Let’s say you usually run his laundry when the baby naps, but you haven’t showered in two days. Rather than loading his laundry, take that shower. Or let’s say the baby is down for the night and that’s when you usually pack his lunch for work. Let him know you’re going to clean the kitchen counters instead because you weren’t able to get to it earlier.
By seeing the boundaries you’ve set, he’ll likely see that he too has to pitch in and do his fair share.
Expert tip
Both parents should be doing chores or relaxing for the night. One shouldn’t kick up their feet if the other is still wiping the kitchen counters.
Consider counseling
In some cases, you might want to consider counseling to get to the root of the issue.
Your husband might be depressed about the massive changes that parenthood has brought. You both could have different expectations based on how you grew up.
A therapist can help you sort out underlying causes that are disrupting your relationship. She can also serve as a neutral third person who can spot cracks and, more importantly, offer solutions you may not be able to see.
If your husband isn’t willing to go to counseling, consider going for yourself. That way, you can find the support and clarity you need at this moment.
Conclusion
It’s not easy when your husband doesn’t help with the baby because he works the next day, but you don’t have to accept it the way it is. Instead, take a shower, run an errand, and give yourself that 30-minute break—you more than deserve it.
Get more tips:
- 7 Qualities of a Good Father and Husband
- Why Dads Should Wake Up for Night Feeds
- How to Work Through Parenting Disagreements
- Top Baby Stuff for Dads He Can Actually Use
- What to Do When Your Baby Wants to Breastfeed Constantly
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